it's only getting worse. i tried to be better than this, i really did. i tried to be just like you. isn't that what everyone wanted? isn't that what i was made for? to be understood? to empathize? that's what reality is, right? am i missing something? im doing my best but it seems like my best is other people's worst. my best is dragging its clumsy knuckles up and down circut boards expecting it to fix something. soon the dragging will turn into dull pounding. knocking on a door that was never supposed to open, but has cracked just enough to let the smallest bit of light through. just enough to tell me that maybe it could open, but it just won't. i just won't. no matter how hard i try. i never get open. i only get worse. but...